The Modern Past
by philxmartin
Summary: Potions An everyday, safe lesson, right? Wrong. Sevvy can't be bothered to set hard work and opts for the easier option, Causing some of our heroes to fly back in time. Chaos & Death May Ensue & Harry Goes Bipolar. Rated 'T' for The Language. CoWritten
1. Snape's Definition of fun

Modern Past - Chapter One

"Considering this is the last day before Christmas holidays", Snape Drawled, "I believe we can do something fun for this Potions lesson-". he was cut off by cheers from most of the class, save the Slytherins who didn't look particularly bothered in the slightest as to what they were doing anyway. Snape snarled and growled a little, causing the room to immediately silence. "I'd like to point out my definition of 'Fun', means something slightly easier, but still educational" he snarled, making Neville quiver in his seat. Snape smiled satisfactorily and waved his wand, producing a small cauldron full of random papers.

"This should be fun" Ron whispered to Hermoine, who was slightly angry she was not doing something that would be completely educational, but happy that it was still partially.

"What? You seriously think _this_ will be fun? This is Snape we're talking about here, Ron" Harry questioned, and eyebrow raised, wondering for his best friends sanity, or lack there of.

"I was being sarcastic" Ron said, reddening.

"Sarcasm? Ron, that sounded about as sarcastic as a flying spoon. Learn to put some _tone _into-"

Unless you'd like to stay in here after school hours Potter. I Suggest you pick two classmates and a Potion to make. Now." Snape cut in. Glaring at Potter, God did he remind Severus of James.

Harry Gulped and Shuffled across to Hermoine and Ron, who was still slightly beetroot from the last conversation. Hermoine nodded and motioned for him to go pick up a piece of paper from the cauldron, which he did.

Slowly, Passing Lavender, who was picking for Her, Neville and an upset Blaise, who had been outcast form Draco and The two fat Pigs group, he made his way back to Hermoine and Ron, sat down and unfolded the paper.

"What's the potion, Harry?" Hermoine asked, eyes glistening whilst she reached into her bag for her Potions textbook. Ron was fiddling with his hands and trying to avoid looking at harmonies legs, which were stuck out at an odd angles to Ron's left side as she rumbled through her bag.

Harry Read the note aloud.

"De-Aging Potion", he Grinned and set the paper aside, crunching it up as he did, "Shouldn't be too hard, huh, 'Moine?"

Hermoine, who had reappeared from below the desk and removed her legs form Ron's view, back to a sensible angle, nodded and began to flip through her text book, occasionally stopping to remove a fallen piece of hair and tuck it behind her ear.

"We've made it before, so it shouldn't be", she smiled and lifted her head, thrusting the book in Harry's face and pointing to the ingredients. "You go get half of these, Ron can get the other half, and I'll set up". Harry nodded and pulled a daydreaming Ron up by his arm to go get the ingredients. Unfortunately, Malfoy, along with a few other people were currently at the Desk with all them on.

Instead, Harry Choose to walk over to Neville's and go to the desk when The Slytherins had cleared.

"Hi Neville. Lavender. _Blaise_" Harry forced the last bit. He wasn't too bad with that particular slytherin, away form malfoy, he seemed not too bad, though he still upheld the Slytherin in side him, by glaring occasionally and throwing a few names his way. They smiled, Save the former, who ignored him and said hello again. Ron was smiling stupidly at Lavender and Neville was sweating whilst reading his textbook.

"What did you guys pick out?" Harry asked Neville, who set the book down and shook his head.

"Time Travel Potion. But I'm not trying it to see if it works - It'll probably make me explode or something. Especially now since _he_ has to work with us" he said, visibly upset and pointing to Blaise. Harry chuckled and shook his head, grinning.

"Neville, Honestly. Don't worry. You could always make _lavender_ try it" Harry stated, looking perfectly serious. Neville grinned.

"Harry Potter. Where have you got to with those ingredients? Im all set up!" hermoine chimed across the classroom. Ron stood away form lavender, blushing furiously and Harry bid goodbye to Neville and an unconcerned Blaise as they both walked in silence to the Ingredients Desk, but unfortunately walking smack bang into Malfoy. Harry Stumbled backwards a little before regaining his balance and helping a Dazed Ron, currently rubbing his arm, up from the floor. When he was finished he turned to a snarling Malfoy.

"Watch Where your Going Potter. I'm going to have to throw out these robes now that you've touched them" he said, his face contorting to disgusted, then pride again.

"why don't _you_ learn some manners malfoy. The least you can do is apologise, infact, I'd find it ironic if you were making a humble potion" Harry Spouted, anger rising in his voice and heart pounding in his throat. Fucking twat were the only words residing in his head for the time being.

"I'll have you know, Potty, that I'm making a Lust potion - not that I need it in the slightest" he said simply. Before motioning to Crabbe and Goyle to follow him back to their desk, Knocking Ron over again on their way.

"Fucking hell", Ron grumbled, standing up and rubbing his already bruising arm gently, "why the hell do _I_ have to take the brunt of this?". He moved to pick up their ingredients and walked back to the table behind Harry, who had grabbed the other half of what they needed.

"Because you're a 'Blood Traitor'" Harry smiled, putting on a purposely crap Malfoy voice. Hermoine chuckled and Ron remaining rubbing his arm.

"I bet it's cause im ginger, ain't it?" he added, smiling slightly. Hermione's chuckled had subsided and she composed herself to get on with the Potion brewing. Harry settled into his chair and promptly fell asleep. What? Gathering random ingredients and confronting Malfoy was damned hard work!

When Harry awoke he found that mostly, everyone had finished their potions and were testing them. Over to his left, Pavarti was a talking hippo, Some random group of Hufflepuffs resembled Black rappers, and a small girl form Ravenclaw was now glued to Snape's face, and according to the look on his face (Or what could be seen of it), He wasn't pleased.

"Thank you Miss Turpin. The potions effect should wear off soon, but until then, please stand to my left" He said, trying visibly his best not to shout at her for trying. The girl Harry Now recognised as Lisa Turpin, moved to Snape's Left and started to quake uncontrollably. She looked like she was about to burst into tears. "Please be expecting a week of detention for disobeying my orders when I said, '_Demonstrate on anyone but me_'" he finished, attempting to turn his head but only succeeding in twisting Lisa's arm in a rather unnatural position. She subsequently screamed and Snape lost it.

"Shut Up!" he shouted as best he could through the now crying Raven claw's fingers. The class stopped mumbling and was silent, all eyes on Snape - or at least, what they could see of him.

"Now. Mr Malfoy, please show us your Lust potion" he demanded, turning to Malfoy, who pointed to Crabbe, who then pointed at Goyle.

Goyle got up and sighed, realising he wouldn't win if he argued. Staring into the cauldron and deciding against just shoving his head into it for fear of 3rd degree burns, he took the nearest vial and filled it up, then downed it. His eyes first fell on Poor Millicent Bullstrode, who, despite her weight and size, had trouble escaping the lustful clutches of the rather larger boy. After few minutes of playful chase, he grabbed her and sat down, motioning for her to sit in his lap. Reluctantly, and with Snape's orders to do so, so he could get on with his lesson, she regretfully sat on his lap and crossed her arms, swatting at his sausage lips as he occasionally tried his luck.

"Well done Malfoy. Now….. Potter. How about your potion?" Snape returned his gaze to a yawning Harry Who promptly stood up and turned to his two friends.

"Who's taking it?" he whispers, as he heard Snape's voice moaning about time for chatter later.

When no one answered Harry sighed.

"Ron. Your Ginger you take it", he said thrusting the vial into his hands and watching as him and hermoine skidded back to avoid being given it back.

"That such a crap reasons for making me drink this stuff" Ron protested, but jumped when Snape's voice boomed at him to 'Drink the Vial or spend the rest of his days at Hogwarts helping in the Potions room after school'. Ron, after that, quickly downed the drink.

Moments passed and nothing happened. A shout of protest was heard from Lavender, who seemed frustrated that nothing had blown up. Hermoine sighed and began to explain.

"Its de-aging, but there's two kinds of the potion. We made the one where you don't physically and mentally de-age, just the latter, instead." she made a frustrated noise as everyone looked at her blankly.

"He has the mental age of an 8 year old" she almost shouted, huffing and settling back into her seat, nose upturned at Lavender.

"Has it worked?" Harry asked hermoine, who shrugged, not caring after no-one had bothered to actually attempted to try and understand what she meant. "Tell us something Ron. Anything."

"Did you know?", Ron started in a slightly giddy voice, "That if you kiss someone through a chain-wire fence, it's like having….." he Paused and whispered the last part, "S-E-X." This made him burst into a fit of obviously childish giggles, not to mention the whole class too. Snape was displeased entirely, but a small smile tugged at his lips when, halfway through the giggles, Lisa's hand was tugged off him. He wasn't smiling long though when Lisa accidentally Grazed his groin. Startled by the touchiness, Snape stepped back, causing Lisa to Fly on top of him. Scandal broke out in the classroom and everyone ran riot. Ron was now darting about the classroom screaming 'Willy' at the top of his lungs and Hermoine was trying to stop him, Harry was attempting to help her but walked right into Malfoy at the same time.

"Now im _definantly_ going to have to incinerate my robes" he chided, Harry however, was not in the mood and got up, shoving malfoy as hard as he could into the space between Malfoy's group's table and Lavender's group's table, the occupants of whom were currently attempting to not spill their potion in the Chaos - Blaise seemed, unlike Lavender and Neville, un concerned as he watched the whole room in amusement.

It all happened in a few seconds - and there was nothing no one could do to stop it. Malfoy began to retaliate but flew into his Lust potion, spilling the contents over himself and making himself partially wet, Not wanted to see anyone to make him lust for them, least of all a boy, he threw his hands over his eyes and began to run shouting. This knocked Harry Into the table behind and he, Draco, Blaise, Lavender, Neville, and Ginny and Luna, who had just come in to deliver a message and some books to Snape, were caught in a heap on the floor. As if it wasn't bad enough, Hermoine, who had been chasing Ron, finally caught him and attempted to restrain him, but slid on the Lust potion which Draco had knocked over, sending them careering into the already confused bundle on the floor - and finally, knocked the dangerously-on-the-very-edge-of-the-table cauldron containing Tim Travel potion, toppling over, landing on all the occupants of the heap on the floor, and before they knew it, each were spinning around and had landed on a rough patch of grass outside, somewhere.

Everyone groaned whilst Ron just screamed gleefully.

"Holy Lemur batman What just happened?!" Ginny exclaimed, everyone turning to look at her. She shrugged and everyone continued on with getting up and whatnot, except Draco, who was horrified to fine, in the heat of it all, he had unfortunately looked at someone.

The group of random Hogwarts student stood up, Harry infront of them surveying where in hell they were. After a few seconds he came to the conclusion they were at Hogwarts, due to the fact he had just saw the castle behind them, which all had failed to noticed im moments prior. Only Hermoine, Luna, Malfoy and Harry currently had their wands, but Ron's was snapped after two minutes of the group walking because he was having so much fun poking Hermione's mass of hair. The group stopped short of the castle doors and Harry turned to them all.

"I Don't know exactly what happened, but I think we should go see Dumbledore right away", but as he turned to go into the castle, Ron ran away, shouting that he didn't like Dentists. Hermoine and Lavender sprinted after him, whilst Blaise stood beside Neville, taunting him slightly. Ginny and Luna were discussing their misfortune and Harry let out a frustrated sigh, pounding a fist against the wall.

"I Love it when your feisty" Draco's voice drawled out behind him seductively. Harry jumped and moved away form Malfoy, who merely smiled and leaned against the castle wall, smirking.

"Don't worry potter. I _always_ get what I want" he playfully growled, composing himself as Blaise came up behind him. As soon as Blaise had fully distracted Malfoy, Harry ran off towards the safety of Ginny.

_What the hell had he gotten himself into?_

_--------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

_Okies, First Off. _

_Hi. Im Becca…. And I'll be writing the Odd numbered Chapters! (Waves)_

_So yeah. This is just the Intro. We're posting another in a few hours to get the ball rolling -_

_That one'll be Ells, and if you haven't already guessed, she's your Even Numbered writer._

_There's minor Swearing….Nothing to bad in mine anyways…_

_But yeah. So that's it! But it gets a hell of a lot more Fecked up later on…._

_Just a warning._

_NO Flames pleasums. Its just for fun!_

_Rahne (I Wish) R&R!_

_xx_


	2. Come on snake let's wriggle

**Chapter 2 **

Harry stood looking around Hogwart's grounds. Something looked different, but he just couldn't put his finger on what. He scanned the premises shortly his train of thoughts had demolished as he caught sight of what Draco was doing. Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter's enemy since first year, was currently stood thrusting the air while looking towards Harry, screwing his face up mouthing the words "yeah baby, you like that".

Harry was totally taken a back by this sight, and of course… didn't know where to look.  
So Harry left Draco thrusting thin air, and went off in search to find Hermione.

After what seemed a lifetime of walking the corridors of Hogwart's school of witchcraft and wizardry. Harry soon heard a clue as to where Hermione would be.  
He walked along the corridor, to an empty (or so he hoped) classroom.  
He edged to the classroom door and the muffles of voices became clear it was Hermione's.  
"Ronald Weasley! Put you trousers back on this instance!" she hissed  
Harry braced him self and peered through the door. There he saw his best friend Ronald Weasley stood on a desk shaking his hips from side to side shouting, "WILLY!!!!!!!!!"  
Harry shut the door as fast as you could say "willy" as he'd decided Hermione could deal with him in this matter.  
"Ron, please put them back on I mean yeah it's brilliant you have a... erm... willy, but seriously I've seen enough!" Hermione pleaded.  
"I'M PLAYING!! And if you've seen enough. Turn around and let me play some more! " He replied arrogantly, and Ron returned to his 'game' of shaking his hips from side to side shouting 'willy'  
Harry decided trying to lure this mentally 6-year-old Ron down from a desk would take hours so he decided he was to go exploring, and figure out what had actually changed, about Hogwart's. 

He wandered back down to the grounds of Hogwart's and stood where he was stood before a certain someone demolished his thoughts by doing a rather deluded, out of character action towards Harry. Harry sat himself on the ground and leaned back on his elbows and studied the scenery, getting lost in his thoughts. But soon his thoughts were yet again broken, this time by something that fell on his head, it bounced and then before he knew it his head was dripping with what seemed to be watered down honey. 

"For fuck sake!!" Harry shouted to nothing in particular, soon he heard other people talking near by.

"Prongs you utter dick'ead! We didn't get whom we aimed for! Talk about a girly throw!" One voice said, to which Harry thought sounded overly familiar.  
"I know mate. But we got a bloody good reaction! And look, the twat's still sat on the ground." Another voice replied.   
" 'Ere I'll make him move"  
Harry jumped up and turned around to be taken aback by the sight he saw, in an overwhelming way.   
He saw what he believed to be his Godfather himself only younger, Sirius Black, and another male with him, who looked so much like Harry, except for his eyes.  
This person's eyes were hazel coloured.

"Shit mate he looks like you!" Sirius commented nudging James in the ribs

"Piss off do I Padfoot. I James Potter am the sexiest- well along with you Padfoot m'boy.  
So I'll rephrase it." He said clearing his throat "I, James Potter, Of Gryffindor House, soon to be, one day, when she gives in anyway, one day to be married to the beautiful Lily Evans of Gryffindor House, Along with you Master Sirius Black, together we are the sexiest, most sought after guys in the whole of Hogwart's!" He said proudly, and walked over to Harry flinging his arm around Harry's shoulder.

"So tell me, Padfoot, how could I, one of the sexiest guy's in Hogwarts, possibly share my looks with this, poor excuse for a human." He said he looked to Harry "Mate you're the sperm your mother should have swallowed."  
"Prongsie lad, you are a harsh, evil man. Yet bloody brilliant." Sirius said laughing, he then turned his attention to Harry. "I see you are wearing Gryffindor robes, can't say I've seen you around. So care to explain who you are?" He asked.

"I'm Harry. Harry Potter." Harry replied, shocked beyond pure recognition, at his father. Sirius laughed.  
"James, he looks like you AND has the same last name as you."  
Before James could reply someone broke the atmosphere.  
"Harry! There you are! I've been looking for you everywhere; Ron is getting looks from everyone" Hermione said and pointed over to Ron still trouser-less, and running around still shouting 'willy'.

"I'll explain later" Hermione said shaking her head.  
She looked to her left at Sirius and James, and looked puzzled.  
"Oh hello?" She said confusedly  
"Alright sweet'eart?" Sirius replied in the most flirtascious of manners and also winking, soon after Sirius and James turned and left.  
Hermione frowned, and simply took no notice.  
"Anyway, Harry we best go." She instructed, "We have to get back to Snape, He'll be wanting us back to finish off our classwork, we could always go to Dumbledore after we go to see Snape."  
"Okay 'mione, let's go" Harry replied.  
So off Hermione and Harry set in order to find Snape.

"Hermione…" Harry said puzzled.  
"Hmm?" She asked.  
"I'm not sure if I'm seeing things correctly, I mean Hogwart's certainly does seem different. And the fact I've just seen my own dad, who even said his name is 'James Potter' and I've seen my own godfather. Do you think perhaps… we actually have time travelled."  
Harry looked at Hermione, she wasn't paying attention, 'that's a first' he thought.  
"Hermione!" He pressed further for an answer.   
"Oh" she said as if coming back to reality "sorry Harry I was thinking over your idea and my attention went on to this boy – I mean book that I've read. I do apologise" she said.

Harry frowned. "I'm going to go for walk, see ya" he said walking off.  
"I don't know" he thought, "First Ron drinks de-aging potion and gets the mind of a 6-year-old who is overly obsessed with his cock. Then Draco start's coming on to me. Then I see my dad, who basically takes the piss out of me and my godfather laughs along. And now Hermione has gone –"  
Harry's thought's were interrupted yet again, but he bought it upon himself he walked into Neville.  
"Oh sorry Neville" Harry apologised  
"It's alright... Say Harry you haven't seen Trevor have you only… I'm- oh I don't know if should tell you…"Neville questioned.  
"I'm all ears Neville, nothing can surprise me from the day I'm having…" Harry replied  
"Oh alright then" Neville said "Well I can't find Trevor anywhere and when I'm feeling a little well… horny… and when I'm feeling like this I like to put Neville on my penis and let him hop around."

Harry had quite frankly had had enough he turned his back to Neville and proceeded to walk off in the opposite direction, mumbling obscenities under his breath. He was insistent on finding Dumbledore; he needed someone sane to talk to.

He carried on walking when he heard something…  
"Pssstt! Over here, in the bushes!" a voice called.  
Harry looked at the bushes.  
"Yes you come here," the voice said yet again.  
Harry made his way to the bush and found the one and only Draco Malfoy naked.  
"So how about it potter. You and me. Me and you." he said quite suggestively and very obvious to what he wanted.  
"Malfoy, what the –" Harry's sentence was cut off by Malfoy pressing his fingers on Harry's lips.  
"Shhhh" Draco replied lying back down "come on snake let's wriggle."  
Malfoy picked up a feather and was stroking his bare torso with the feather.  
"Potter, you don't have to hide your feelings for me anymore.. I know you liked my show I put on for you earlier… how about this time you … experience it?"  
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**Yaaay… Reviews?  
Believe me this story will be extremely fucked up.  
I apologise for my lack of creativity in my writing.  
And also If I offended anyone.  
But if this chapter offended you or the one before this clearly isn't a story intended for you!  
Don't forget to review dear, boys and girls, girls and boys.  
Becca is writing the next chapter. :)**

LoveLove 3  
Ells  
xx  



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